


Robot

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen, awkward showertimes, robot cleaning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 01:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8646757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: Inspired by a weird Alex Yocu photo.  In this fic, Charles is alive and well and elsewhere, and fake android stand-in Charles needs occasional maintenance.  Charles himself used to do it, but since he’s not around...Somebody’s gotta wash the robot.
Warning: Art is semi-NSFW (nudity, but no dicks.  well, except for a few tiny crudely drawn ones.)





	

They used to call Charles the Robot, but it wasn’t until years later that they found out they were actually right.  
Not all the time of course, and the Robot was excellently lifelike in every way, but sometimes their manager had left the Robot in charge of them and somehow they’d never had a clue.  
There may have been more than one of those things, that could explain a lot, but they’d only been able to find this one, hidden in a secret compartment in Charles’s closet.  
They were of course in Charles’s closet because they were looking for anything he’d kept hidden from them, and he wasn’t around to stop them, but all they found was the robot.

And suits, pretty much nothing but suits. But not enough suits to come close to justifying the amount of space.  
It was a large closet, but it was still a bit crowded with all five, well _six_ , of them in there.   
Hidden Closet Clone, good song title? No, not really.  
It was dressed on one of the usual suits, and there was a note pinned to the tie. Pickles unpinned it, read it, and passed it around so they all could read it too.

_Boys, if you’ve found my android then I must be in some way gone. It might be in your best interest if everyone doesn’t know this, so wake him up and let him be me. His on/off commands have been reprogrammed to Nathan’s voice, and none of you can access any of the others. He only needs to be shut down for storage, you can just leave him on otherwise. He’s worked with you before and does his job well. Please don’t abuse him, he was quite expensive._  
Written at the bottom were two lines: Charles it’s time to wake up, and Charles it’s time to sleep.  
Nathan woke him up.

*****

Sometimes the robot got dirty. He was as fastidious as the original version, but accidents happened. For some unknown reason, the Robot could do everything for himself except wash, and they didn’t have a command to change that. Therefore, if he got dirty they had to take him into the showers and clean him up. They always used the Gear showers for this because they were large and open, unlike their private bathrooms. Also because nobody wanted to do it in their private bathrooms.  
Detachable showerheads made the job a little easier, they didn’t have to move him during.  
Afterwards he would redress himself and go about his business as if nothing had happened, which somehow made it even weirder. 

Yeah, they did remember to take clean clothes down for him. Or actually they didn’t have to remember, because Charles took care of that part himself.  
The Robot simply preemptively took matters into his own hands and kept some fresh outfits bagged in convenient places, so they could just grab one and go, ready whenever they might be needed. He even carried them down himself, when it was time.  
None of them understood how he could do all this, everything the job required, but not wash himself. It was possible that Charles had set it up this way just to fuck with them, that was as plausible as anything else.

Murderface had legal document exempting him from Robot washing, _ever._ It was notarized and everything. They didn’t know how he’d gotten it and he wouldn’t tell them, but that left the responsibility to be split between the remaining four of them.   
They’d quickly learned that washing the Robot when he was in awake mode was super creepy on so many levels, even though it turned out that he was as anatomically correct as a Ken doll, so after the first time, Nathan would turn him off for his shower.  
When off, he would stand rigid and immobile. He weighed as much as the real Charles, so it took two to comfortable maneuver him around.

*****

_~the first time~_

“Who the fuck got cheese sauce on the robot?! He has a press conference tomorrow!” Nathan was glaring at the orange goo dripping down the Robot’s face and hair.  
“Mebbe we can jest wipe it aff?” Pickles swiped at the mess with an old sock which was for some reason handy, but only succeeded in rubbing it in further.  
“That’s not gonna work! We have to wash him. Shit, we have to wash him?”  
“T’anks for volunsteering to goes first.”  
“Ha, Nathan and Pickle gots to wash him foist!”  
“Have fun, schuckersch!”

Pickles threw the cheesy sock in their general direction, but they all easily dodged it. It hit the wall and stuck there.  
“ARGH! Fine! Come on, Pickles. Come on, Charles.” After a moment of indecision, Nathan headed toward the gear showers. Those were just rows of showerheads set into the wall, no dividers or anything, should be easier.   
Charles and Pickles followed him.  
There were only a couple gears present, and none were currently showering. “Everybody out until we say otherwise!” He pointed to one of them, “You! Guard the door and don’t let anybody in til I say.”  
Now what?

“Charles? Can you undress yourself, or do we have to do that too?” They never saw him dress, and he always wore the same thing so maybe he just didn’t change clothes unless he got dirty? Robots don’t sweat or anything.  
“I am capable of undressing myself, Nathan.”  
“Good. Uh, do that then. Pickles, get the water a good temp?”  
“Alreet.” He turned on a showerhead, trying to stay out of the large fan of spray. They had really good showerheads even down here, this wasn’t going to be easy.

Charles was a slow stripper. Undresser, whatever. He took folded each item of clothing as he removed it and placed them in a neat pile on a bench, even though they were dirty. The underwear was last, of course.  
“Dood, he’s gat no junk! What the feck?!”   
Indeed, instead of anything resembling a dick and balls, there was just a smooth, hairless bulge. It was convincing under clothing, but super weird uncovered.  
“Charles didn’t require me to fill in for him in that capacity.” 

“Okay, get under the spray.”  
“I can’t, that’s part of the washing process. Please move me there.”  
“Wait, you want us to carry you to the water? Why?” And how were they supposed to do that without getting completely soaked?  
“Yes, that is what’s required. How can I make this more comfortable to you?”  
Nathan glared at him. “You can’t.”

“Feck it.” With a shrug, Pickles stepped back and stripped off his clothes, piling them messily on the bench. “Great now I’m nekkid, as if this wasn’t weird enough.”  
“I’m indifferent to your nudity. Please proceed.” Charles stood passively, waiting.  
“Is that an insult?” Nathan cocked his head, confused.  
“Not at all. It merely doesn’t matter to me whether or not you are clothed. In this situation, it makes more sense for you to remove them.”  
Giving up, Nathan stripped too.

Moving Charles into the spray was really awkward, there seemed to be no easy way to carry him. And even junkless, he was still pretty much a naked dude. Dude robot, but still. He wasn’t light. Finally Nathan just grabbed him under the arms while Pickles picked up his feet, and they set him in position.  
Pickles grabbed a washcloth and started removing cheese, this was much more efficient than the sock.  
Nathan grabbed one too and started with an arm. Yeah, an arm was no big deal.  
Neither of them were going below the waist, but they probably would have to eventually. The skipped down, washing his legs. Was that good enough?

“Uh, do we have to wash your crack too?” Because that was too weird.  
“Please. I should get as clean as possible when an opportunity presents itself.”  
“Dood why does he even have a crack?”  
“I dunno, maybe so his pants don’t look funny? What do I look like, a robot expert? You do it, I don’t wanna.”  
“Mebbe you can turn him aff? This wouldn’t be as bad if he’s a mannequin instead of, ya know, _Charles_.”  
“Huh, good idea. Charles, it’s time to sleep.”

Instantly, Charles shut down. He remained upright though, apparently having some mechanism that kept him locked and balanced. Mannequin indeed, and creepy in a different way.  
The finished washing and rinsing him as quickly as possible and turned the water off. They dried him, unsure if he would do that himself and not wanting to do it with him awake if that was the case.  
They also dried themselves, and redressed.  
“Charles, it’s time to wake up.”

*****

It was almost like other Charles, real Charles, had never even left. He was still always there, working late at night, running things, taking care of business. But of course, this robot had been doing at least some of that before, maybe a lot of it, and they never even knew, so not much had really changed.  
No wonder they’d though Charles never even slept, some form of him had indeed often worked around the clock.  
They still had to have band meetings even, which was bullshit. Well, kind of.

Sometimes they forgot he was a robot, since everything seemed so normal. Charles was still Charles, nothing had changed, he acted completely the same.  
Or at least, until he needed cleaned again.  
Sometimes things got spilled on him. More often it was blood, running Mordhaus tended to involve a high amount of collateral carnage, but Charles would come find them wherever they were and request assistance. For the cleaning, that is, he had the rest covered.  
And whoever’s turn it was would have to take him for a shower. _Again._

*****

_~some random time, many washes later~_

Charles walked into the room and they all groaned at his appearance.  
“Why does the robot have dicks drawn on his face? And why is he all bloody again? Murderface, I know that was you!  
“I guessch you better wasch him, schuckersch. And the blood’sch not my fault, there wasch an employee isschue and I only drew on him after he already needed cleaned.”  
Charles just shrugged, "I saw no harm in letting him, since I need to be cleaned anyway.”  
“We did it last time! Hey Toki, Skwisgaar, yer up!”

“Ja fines. Makes him go sexes doll nows. Go ons.”  
“Gawd why do ya have ta call him thet? It’s feckin’ creepy.”  
“Pfft, because I can’ts remember dat word you uses.”  
“Mannequin? Dood, you can’t remember _mannequin_?”  
“Same t’ing anyways.”  
“No it’s naught!”

“Yeah Skwisgaar, sex dolls gots holes in them.”  
Skwisgaar shrugged. “He gots a mouth.”  
“Oh god. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Ugh.”  
“I am not a sex doll, Skwisgaar. Please don’t attempt to use me as such. And may I recommend we move to the shower room first so you don’t have to carry me as far?” 

They left Pickles and Murderface and headed to the showers.   
As usual, they evicted the few employees and appointed a door guard. They didn’t know what the gears though they did in there, and they didn’t really care anymore.  
Once the Robot had undressed, Nathan turned him off. “Call me when you’re done and I’ll come turn him back on.” He left them to it.  
They’d done this so many times now it was all routine. They quickly stripped, Toki adjusted the water, and they picked up the robot and carried him to the spray.

“At least Moiderface didn’t uses a sharpies again.” Toki was scrubbing at the dicks on the face, they were stubborn but fading slowly.  
“We can’ts says he ams dickless rights now. At leasts until you makes him dat way agains.”  
The blood splatter had been minimal due to clothing coverage, and still fairly fresh, so it rinsed off easily. The dicks were faded more but still there, so they both worked on removing them completely.  
It took a lot of hard rubbing but they eventually got them off. It may not have been sharpie, but it had some staying power anyway.

Toki washed the hair while Skwisgaar started on the rest of the body. He used too much shampoo, because it was fun to sculpt new hairstyles in the process. Today it was a mohawk. Well, fauxhawk anyway, but close enough.  
Skwisgaar looked up when Toki snickered at his work. “Oh, dat’s a goods one. He should does dat for regulars, ja?”  
“He never goes for it.”   
“Too bads.”

Skwisgaar was done, he stepped back so Toki could rinse the robot. They grabbed the towels and dried him together.  
“Skwisgaar? You wouldn’t really uses him for a sex dolls, woulds you?”  
He shrugged, “Maybe if he was jus’ a robots, but he ams too much Charles. Woulds be too weirds, you knows?”  
The robot stood quietly, awaiting reactivation. Or just off.

Robot done, they dried themselves. “Why’s you keep callings him a sex dolls then?”  
“I really can’ts be saysing dat word Pickle uses, I never remembers how. I can remembers sexes doll t’ough.”  
“Tries! You can does it!”  
“Mansi... mana.... mananakingses? Fine, you says it den if you ams so smart!”  
“Mannskiskins?” Toki made an annoyed face. “Fucks, I can’t says it eithers! You jinxes me!”

They redressed and Skwisgaar called Nathan to come back and turn Charles back on for them. He’d be there soon.  
Toki was still thinking about words. “Maybe I just calls him asleeps?”  
“Pfft. I still calls him sexes doll, even if I am never goings to sexes him. Besides, it ams fun watchings dem freaks out when I says it.”  
And then Nathan was back, their work was done.   
At least until next time.


End file.
